“Thank you, again, for ordering from Whichever Works. The items listed below have shipped today,” the computer-generated e-mail said.

Those words sounded good. I’m a procrastinator and having ordered gifts over a week prior to the actual anniversary date is quite an accomplishment in my book.

“You may expect to receive your order within the next 5-9 business days,” the e-mail assured me. It would be delivered via Smarty Post.

On a July 1 order, I was first told it would be delivered July 7. I was later informed that it would arrive July 9, which was okay. That was our actual anniversary.

But when it didn’t arrive on July 9 I was exasperated and responded in another e-mail, “So my wife missed her anniversary present. I’m in the dog house and wilI never trust your company to ship me anything. Meanwhile you can reach me at Fido’s place.”

I next received an automated email response stating, “Thank you for contacting Whichever Works. Your email has been received and will be addressed within one business day. Thank you, Whichever Works Customer Service”

Still waiting a day or two later I responded, “My order was placed July 1. My credit card was charged July 2. The estimated delivery date was July 7 and was changed to July 9. My anniversary was July 9. It’s now July 12. My credit card bill has come. My wife’s anniversary present hasn’t.”

Guess what happened next?

Their response was, “Thank you for contacting Whichever Works. Your email has been received and will be addressed within one business day. Thank you, Whichever Works Customer Service.”

A few days later I tracked my purchase to discover it had left Indiana five days previously.

I sent another inquiry.

“Can you help me find my order or replace it quickly, please?”

“Thank you for contacting Whichever Works,” the automated e-mail response immediately replied and assured me,  “Your email has been received and will be addressed within one business day.”

“It’s me again,” I wrote a day or so later.

Whichever Works had still not responded as promised.

“My order still hasn’t arrived, but it did make it to Southaven, Mississippi today. That’s not far off, but your track record so far, it could be a couple of weeks before my package makes the final 50 miles of its journey.

“Maybe this is not a big deal to you at Whichever Works, but it is to me and it is to my wife whose anniversary present is supposedly contained within the package that I am expecting. If you have been keeping up, our anniversary was last week,” I reminded whoever, if anybody, might be reading the email.

“I understand slow delivery and that mistakes sometimes happen,” I explained, “but I do mind that your robot who replies to my correspondence continues to tell me that my email will be addressed within one business day, but it never is.”

The irony is that I had placed a subsequent order the day after I ordered my wife’s anniversary present. That second order was delivered within two or three days by snail mail.

I asked them, “Why do you continue to use Smarty Post when snail mail is faster and probably cheaper?”

“Anyway,” I continued,  “I’ll not be using that service and I hope that you at Whichever Works consider alternate shipping options as your customers will dwindle away and your fine items will either remain on the shelf or scattered across the U.S.A. much like my little package that I’m still awaiting.

 “P.S. Since the package was reported to be nearby in Southaven, my wife has decided to stay with me a few more days to give me the benefit of the doubt.”

Just a short time later I received an e-mail that stated, “Thank you for contacting Whichever Works. Your e-mail has been received and will be addressed within one business day. Thank you, Whichever Works Customer Service”

Yeah, right.