I feel I owe an apology to my loyal but mostly twisted fans because they honestly appreciate my sense of dark sarcasm.

I’ve been out of commission for a spell due to diminishing health conditions. Frankly, my youngest daughter misjudged the gauge on the family still. She  not only destroyed a family heirloom and the hog pen but also blowed the whole turnip green patch into Coahoma County.

To be honest between the crawlin’ liver disease, the hit-and-miss heart syndrome, shell-shock damage in unmentionable places, and a jacked up utility bill, I’ve been feeling a little poorly. On the mixed blessings side I had the cataracts on my left eye removed and can see clearly now.

I was elated and ecstatic until my wretched ex flew in on her broom to assist me with the consumption of my last jug of moonshine. (She is ready to lend a hand and elbow on a chore like that). When I got a good gander at her for the first time in 30 years. I immediately became violently ill and had to be rushed to a physician.

The Air Med crew asked me if there was a particular doctor I preferred. The morphine had taken effect by then, so my memory of the next series of events remind me of scrambled eggs in one-egg puddin’.

They (the flight crew) said that I said, “Hell yeah, I need my eye doctor.”

Somebody responded, “My Harpole you are in a perilous condition. Your blood pressure reading would cause a stroke in a healthy bull elephant and your blood sugar level would keep the Jack Daniels distillery in the commerce market for a week.”

“What do you think your optometrist could possibly to to improve your condition?”
I allegedly said. “I gotta find out what it’s gonna cost me in ransom fees to get my cataracts reinstalled.”

When I when I woke up my vital signs are perfect and I was blissfully blind again. My personal healthcare worker went down to the rent-a-mutt store and brought home a blind seeing eye dog and painted my walking cane white.

Nurse Hogwaller is a dandy ain’t she? She has plans to post a no-fly zone over my property to discourage Broom Jockey ex-wives from making unauthorized landings on Copperhead Ridge.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what she looks like but I ain’t up to taking the risk. I trust the judgment of my blind seeing eye dog. Y’all watch out for me and pray that other eye don’t get cured on it’s own. It would pain me to have to pluck it out.

Ricky Harpole

(Contact Ricky Harpole at www.facebook.com/harpolive or www.colespointrecords.com)