If you ever attempt to train a dog or a horse, be careful of what you want him to do because after he is trained it is an irreversible process.

The same can be said of the process of training wives and husbands. Improper training in that department has more serious repercussions than a mistake or misjudgment in the kennel or the stable because spouses live longer than dogs and horses and are more vindictive.

This theory is supported by Albert Einstein’s unpublished theory of misery continuum: “If you don’t do it right you could permanently ruin a nag or prospective mutt or a husband.”

Even though the manuscript has heretofore remained unpublished, it has merit equal to his earlier works which include time theories. Those have been documented and proven.

If you give your best beloved enough time and space he or she will “cool off” enough to allow you to peacefully resolve the situation (or at least give you time to get out of pistol range).

Otherwise you might experience a whop with a baseball bat or straight razor.

I have compiled a few handy and indispensable tips to aid and abet you on a more user friendly relationship with your significant other. Since I worked these valuable jewels of wisdom up personally on a trial and error basis after decades of painful research, it’s obviously a testament of things you should not do. I never quite got the hang of the other part but here is my list of do-nots:

1. Never volunteer to do anything in her kitchen except garbage removal. Anything beyond that will disrupt her disorganization or fall short of her hygiene standards.

2. Never engage in a controversial dialogue with her if she has a sharp object close at hand.

3. If she has a pet, whether or not it is a dog or cat or a Shetland pony, if it is outside don’t let it in. And if it is inside don’t let it out, because whatever catastrophes result will show up on your plate for at least a season or two.

4. Never mention one of her relatives by name in the same sentence with a barnyard animal or a rodent. (Even if there is an undeniable resemblance in looks and character.).

5. If she is on medication make sure she takes it and on time.

6. If she is not on medication for goodness sake don’t give her any.

7. Keep all firearms under lock and key just in case rules No. 5 and 6 fail.

8. Tell her you love her on a regular basis even though sometimes it might sound like a “stretch” and causes a construction in your throat.

9. Do not under any circumstance borrow her razor or nail clippers without express permission.

10. Try not to say or do anything to remind her about that house in Kansas that fell on her sister.

Bear in mind that this not an ironclad guarantee for “happily ever after” but it has a fair chance of reducing the agony of wedded purgatory. Good luck.

Beyond the pale,

Ricky Harpole

(Contact Harpole at www.facebook.com/harpolive or www.colespointrecords.com)