Considering my past associations with outlaw motorcycle clubs, frustrated police officers, sailors, victims of “lemon” automobiles and carpenters with sore thumbs from misdirected hammers, I have accumulated a vocabulary that is unacceptable in polite society.

The words are for the most part unprintable in a newspaper and should only be used while under extreme duress or aggravation. You can usually hear this sort of language after a political upset or an espousal disaster. (In the last case you can hear it in harmony).

Being of late a more-or-less socially-minded sort of person, I’ve tried to unlearn those expletivated idioms of the English language, but face it, people, under extreme circumstances it is impossibility. When confronted with an outrage of sufficient magnitude you just naturally revert to the sailing days. Boys and girls, I’m talking about consumer market worms that call you at 8:04 in the morning trying to sell you something you would already have bought if you needed it.

On top of all that, my lifestyle keeps me on a dusk til dawn schedule so 8:04  is my best sleep time. A “gig” that concerns bail jumpers or juke joint musicians does not lend itself to daylight hours.

Even if everything went according to play by 1 a.m. the resulting debriefing or beer and breakfast will take up the rest of the witching hours. Add a shower and a prayer and it’s daylight and time for blissful and hopefully, dreamless sleep. Until the damn phone rings.

When the phone rings at 5 a.m. it’s usually bad news for somebody but at 8:04 it’s bad news for me because sleep deprivation is an issue. Especially when it’s some telemarketer who has by hook or crook discovered my cell number, usually by purchasing it from some person or company who sells or trades my number and peace of mind and sleep time for personal gain.

Face it people, if you are awake and in your right mind, would you buy health or Medicaid or even life insurance from a recorded person who would not even have the common decency to lie to you voice-to- voice, much less face to face?

You wouldn’t even have a viable target to sue or shoot at if they reneged on the deal. Plus, they’ll sell your number and name to another pack of scammers. In other words if they have to use a damned recording to steal your money they are the laziest form of flim flamers. You can’t as a general rule call them back, you will get a busy signal or another recording.

In these days of high technology there ought to be a way to shock some bothersome varmint with his own damn phone with a touch of a button, but it wouldn’t do no good, you’d just be re-energizing a cursed recording machine. I’m at the point of resorting to witchcraft.

Catchin a nap,

Ricky Harpole
(Contact Harpole at www.facebook.com/harpolive or www.colespointrecords.com)