By Rix Quinn

 Most students read “Romeo and Juliet” by Shakespeare, then ask (1) Where did those people learn to talk so cool? and (2) Wasn’t this the same plot as “West Side Story?”

The play centers around Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet (a name that rhymes). Juliet’s dad arranges for his daughter to marry a big-shot named Paris, and sets up a costume party where they can meet.

Romeo shows up in disguise, thinks Juliet is hotter than a blowtorch, and grabs a kiss. Then he follows her home, stands under her window, and blathers all sorts of gushy stuff that lovesick guys have quoted for centuries.

 Juliet adores Romeo right back, even though the families hate each other. But, what the heck…they’re both 14, so they decide to marry!

Romeo convinces a friendly friar to tie the knot immediately.

Then, in events more twisted than a contortionist’s colon, Romeo’s friend and Juliet’s cousin slice-and-dice each other. Romeo tries to bust up this knife battle, but accidentally kills the Capulet kid, and goes into hiding.

Then the friar hatches a plan. He gives Juliet a sleeping potion to make her “appear dead.” When her family carries her to the tomb, the friar will fetch Romeo to rescue Juliet, and they can escape!

But news of Juliet’s “death” reaches Romeo before he learns about the trick. Heartsick, he buys poison, then races to her tomb so they can dirt nap together.

When Juliet wakes up to find Romeo deceased, she stabs herself. The warring families find the fallen lovers, and the philosophical friar explains that the couple wished only love, which reunites their families.

 I’ve left a lot out, but the basic message is: (1) don’t kiss strangers in costume, (2) never fight if you can avoid it, and (3) middle school is way too young to marry.