I have been around long enough to have accomplished a few things really well, a carload of things that worked out “so-so” and a whole Mississippi River Barge load of stuff that didn’t work at all (if only we survived it).

Since it’s too hot to go fishing for a tale and gun and bow season is “out,” I can only think of one thing to do that is not lethal: sit on a deck or pond bank and see what the grandkids can invent to sharpen my skills as a lifeguard.

When I first got roped into my new position, I assumed that teaching children to swim about 12 feet in shallow water would be a good start.

The problem there was the pool was really filled so I had to learn to swim again myself. Then they had to learn to really swim because the water was over their heads. Draining the pool was out of the question due to the water bill already incurred, so we just had to tough it all out.

I recommend that you begin their training with no more than 3 kids per course in a 12’ pool because if there are any more they will butt their heads together singly or in groups and cause knots, blackeyes and broken noses (and fist fights after the swimming lesson).

If you thought (like I did) that you could field calls on your cell phone (the one that wasn’t dropped in the pool) or read the lies that might have been printed in a local newspaper while you assumed pool duty, you are in for a miserable awakening that only gets worse when you add a few more youngins’ to the mix, and a variety degrees of age and skill.

For instance: of the three that managed to keep up with their goggles there were two more who didn’t. One of the games I remembered (or invented) is “find it.” This is where you make all the seekers face you while you pitch an object behind their backs in the center of the pool. Then you yell, “Find it,” and after they make several bobbles up and down, you yell, “The poor ole coot or boot (or whatever) is gonna drown if y’all don’t find it.”

That’ll usually keep em  under about long enough to read a headline, but not long enough to get any particulars and then you have to put down the paper and break up another fist fight caused by the fact that there is no underwater referee involved in the sport, as it stands today.

Now if you add the other two who left their diving specs at home or tried them on the dog that then ran off with the hardware (these are mainly top side swimmers by force of loss) and add two more who can’t swim at all and so small that they have to be duct taped into a life jacket so they don’t slip out in a dive and you’ll get an idea of the criteria a seemingly easy mission like this entails.

All I can tell y’all is “don’t try this at home” unless you like to have fun.

Stay cool,

Ricky Harpole